The word stealthing has been gaining momentum over the last few weeks. All the major news outlets like BBC and CNN have at least once in this period aired something to do with it. It’s just the news of the moment. For the first time, a lot of people especially in the western countries are openly expressing their views on the topic or sharing their experiences.
As exciting as the realisation is to me that people are talking about stealthing, it is saddening to realise as well that no one in my beloved country Malawi is talking about it. It’s like we do not care. I get it that there are plenty of issues going on in Malawi. This is nothing new considering that we have a lot of work to do in almost all areas for our country. But to let this momentum just pass by without a word even from feminists, civil rights groups, etc, I think it’s not right.
Pardon me if I am wrong but talking about stealthing would help in bringing attention to a lot of issues that Malawi faces with regard to sexual violence, safe sex, rape, STDs including HIV/AIDS. It could act as an ice breaker to some of these issues or at least it could highlight them.
A year ago I approached a friend of mine who is a politician to try to convince him to start a debate with his political and law making counterparts on criminalising intentional HIV infection (a situation whereby an HIV person deliberately has unprotected sex with someone who is not HIV positive without disclosing his status). It was a heated debate which I ended up being the loser. I understood his reasons though I didn’t agree with them but that does not mean that I am ok with it.
This is why when the stealthing topic came up I was so excited. I was expecting more responses, participation from Malawi. I thought it would set a base for something bigger.
…what is stealthing…
Before I proceed let me define the term stealthing. In its simplest form the word stealthing as used in this article refers to the ability of a sexual partner to remove protection (condoms) during intercourse without the consent of the partner or to deliberately mislead the partner in believing that protection (condoms) is being used while it is not. This includes scenarios whereby a condom is deliberately damaged and not informing your partner.
I was trying to explain to my 11 year old boy what stealthing is and he thought that it’s not possible to be deceived in that way. Yes, it sounds dumb if you just read my definition above and I get it why my son thought that it’s impossible to be tricked in that way. But believe me, it’s real. It happens all the time. And the culprits are generally women though men too can be deceived.
…my rage towards stealthing…
Most of us especially women will agree with me that maybe at least once in our lifetime we have come across such a situation. We might have experienced stealthing but never thought of taking it seriously. We might have even felt bad after that experience but as it has never been seen as a problem we have been forced to keep quite. To carry on with our lives as nothing has ever happened.
Believe me, if am having sex with someone, it has to be on mutual consent. We need to both understand and agree on what we are doing including the consequences. All cards should be revealed. There are a number of reasons why we choose to use protection when having sex. It can be a way of preventing unwanted pregnancies or catching some STDs. Imagine sleeping with someone while you are not on a pill and realising later that your partner deliberately removed or damaged the condom in the act. I would really feel bad, betrayed actually. I would be under unnecessary stress because of his actions. Two things would be running in my head –am I pregnant, have I been infected? This means that depending on the type of the relationship that I am having with my sexual partner at that particular moment I would have to rush for morning after pills and maybe for some HIV prophylaxis. Then I would have this agonising waiting period of at least 6 weeks in order to find out if I am pregnant or infected. It doesn’t sound appetising at all. Hopefully painting it likstealthing in Malawie this will reduce the stealthing cases by empowering more women to stand up, say their voices out aloud and maybe who knows, take it a step further to criminalise it in Malawi.
The worst thing with stealthing is that it usually happens at that moment when women are most vulnerable – in the act of having sex. This is the time when women give themselves to their partner fully, trusting their partner. It’s even ironic because some men take advantage of that. They know that you are in a vulnerable situation, you are already in the act and you can’t argue much once he deliberately removes the condom. He can even tell you that he has removed the condom or it has broken while he continues with the whole thing knowing that you won’t argue much at that point in time. Many would say that if it has broken, it means that the damage if any has already been done. Then why not just continue. I strongly disagree with this way of thinking. We as women, we have a right to stop things at that particular moment. No one should force us to continue having sex if we feel uncomfortable even though we are in the middle of the act. It’s simple and straightforward going against our consent. It’s the same as being forced to have sex. That’s not what we signed up for when we agreed to have sex. And we all know that non consensual sex is a form of rape. Beware…
…conclusion…
Stealthing is definitely not an easy topic to cover in Malawi where men are dominant and sex related issues are not discussed publicly as in the western countries. There is still a long way to go before sex can be treated as an equal affair between a woman and man. However I believe that my article will help in stirring the water in the pond and have people talking. Reducing stealthing would decrease the number of unwanted pregnancies and STD’s including HIV/AIDS.
…it is possible, let’s talk about it…